so, i'm not even gonna lie, i've had a terrible past few weeks, and it keeps getting worse, and i hate it, and i dont know what to do. i feel... i cant even put words to it it sucks so bad. i keep losing friends, work is kicking me in the ass and shit at home sucks so fucking much because my mom is insane, and im insane and the both of us being insane is making my baby sister insane.
i dont even wanna write it down because the point of having this website log thing would be so i could remeber this in a few years (months more like considering my really shitty memory) but i don't really wanna remeber any of this anymore i dont think so im just going to leave it at that
YOOOOO the mf canadians won bitches. wERE GOING TO THE FUCKIN FINALS YESSIRR1!!!!!!1!1 i was beyond ecstatic when we scored that stupid goal jesus christ. stupid fuckin vegas had us balls for balls with a 2-2 score in the last period so we took those bitches to overtime. AND WE FUCKING GOT THEM! god my friends and i were eating at a terrasse with drinks and the way that everyone felt when it got in. i met my friends boy friend? toy? fling of the month? anyway he was super sweet and funny and looked out for her and im super happy theyre cool. i also made peace with this fucking idiot from high school and hes actually kind of cool honestly. we're pretty similar as people and so i think thats why we never got along, cuz we both hate ourselves, but we got over that and talked over the food and drinks and i (GENUINELY!) enjoyed hanging out with him. the thing is tho, when our group, we were 6 including the guys, caught up with the bigger group who had previously been drinking at the park instead of the restaurant, that meant i met up with sammy. god i don't know how i feel about him but i genuinely love being around him and talking to him and laughing and just being with him but he can ask so much of me sometimes. and i know that its out of care and concern or whatever but i get so annoyed when i genuinely want to kill myself in the moment and his first priority is to give me shit about smoking. when literally everyone else is also smoking. and ive never pressured him to get into it so where the fuck does he get off making me feel like some dysfunctional addict for having a few cigs in a social situation that ive been excluded from for the past year because he was butthurt i didnt let him hit. god, fuck him.
the mood was the best id felt in a while but what goes up must come down right? the reason it all went to shit is because at 12 (im brown cinderella btw) my lovely mother decided to call and shit on everything that had previously been going perfectly for me that evening. i was hanging out with people i missed and some i wanted to get to know better and it was NATIONAL QUEBEC DAY!1!! LA FUCKIN ST-JEAN BAPSTISTE!! (bonne st-jean a tous mes quebecois.ses où que vous êtes je vous adore.) anéwé. i was feeling great and this woman calls me up and is like, you got one hour on the clock bitch im coming to get you. nice. long story short we got to some other park and then got to my friend's so i could take a fuckin piss and then she picked me up and i want to die currently. even though i had the best night with the coolest people. that's that im home now. currently listening to cute thing by cshr, my current obsession is will toledo and i havent stopped listening to him for the past few months i honesly would know how to.
anyway, gn ig, xoxo, stoli
been a while. youd think that it was because i was working on myself and getting better right? wrong. everything sucks just as much as usual except now im also selling my soul to the labor workforce for scraps. :)))))
failed chem this semseter but by some miracle passed cal (and above the average too!). i've resigned myself to having to stay an extra year in junior college. whatever. i hate everyone in my life currently. theyre all getting on my fucking nerves and i hate that they expect me to talk to them and hang out and be cool like everything isnt going to absolute shit. also what im about to write is going to sound terribly stupid and cringe but indulge me. most of the time im talking to anyone they just seem not smart. and i know that they are or at least are regarded to be but everything everyone talks to me about sounds so fucking dumb and meaningless. like things i was thinking about and realizing in 7th grade french class out of boredom. *sigh* surrounded by fucking pseuds i am.
i quit my job a week ago. got a better one thats closer to my house but i basically have lost my summer cuz its full time almost. not that i would be doing anything interesting, but still.
im gonna try to update this bitch more often but ever time i come here and say i will, i dont. well have to see what happens i guess.
i haven't made an actual log in so fucking long and i kept telling myself i would and i kept procrastinating it and here we are. almost a month later.
anyways, i've been living with this crippling guilt that i can never seem to shake off and anytime i get close it just sneaks up on me and im right back where i started. the worst part is that i don't know if im being paranoid or if my trying to get myself to think im paranoid is just me being in denial. i feel stupid just writing this down. like if i keep talking about it ill manifest some sort of retribution into existence. life is pain. lol.
also, this semester is turning out to be simultaneously really easy and really fucking hard. i haven't had any exams yet so maybe that's why but i feel like im studying more than usual but still not enough. im stressed about not being stressed enough. idk. i've also been talking to this one friend almost everyday for like a week now. i hadn't talked to him (or at least really talked to him) in a really long time and we are now on really good terms (which is really out of the blue) and i really missed him. i just don't know how to feel anymore and i can (once again) never shake the feeling that something bad is gonna happen. [i have to stress that me talking to my rekindling contact with this one friend has nothing to do with the previous thing.] so it's just one more thing to have to feel like absolute shit about. :D
anyways, im currently procrastinating a whole bunch school work so i should probably go do that.
im in cal rn. it's my second time taking the class cuz i had to drop it last term for a number of reasons. i got absolutely flatenned by the first midterm and by the time i got my shit together it was the week of the second midterm and something real shit happenned and it was actually impossible for me to have taken that shit without flunking the ever loving fuck out of it so i just applied for one of those authorized absence things and called it a day. i later learned that the teacher i had that term made his exams super hard so that by the time his students got to the final it would be a breeze. one of my friend who was also struggling in that class told me that the final was super easy and she's been pullin 50-65s the entire term so i believe it. anyway im here now and i should probably be listening but seeing as the class is finishing up and i think were done taking notes i'll take my chances.
yesterday was actually my first day of school. i was supposed to have 3 classes but since one was a lab period in chem and we had nothing to lab about she just cancelled it and so im having that class today. the only classes i ended up having yesterday were cal and fitness. my cal teacher is a sweetheart. my fitness teacher is this kinda old woman and her assignments are really vague and confusing and im thinking of dropping the class and opting for an intensive because the vibes im getting from it are so yucky. and im already probably taking a summer class to catch up on cal2 assumimg im not gonna completely drop out of health science and switch to some fuckshit like liberal arts or law & society. i dont know. i'm reading the bell jar and i read the fig passage yesterday and i wanted to die.
hahaha as i was writing that last paragraph my cal teacher wrote something in purple on a black background and there was a whole entire discussion about the better background color and font color. it's only funnier when you realize theres a blind guy in the class. i should probably get back to listening then.
it's monday today. i start school on wednesday. i was actually supposed to go out with liz today to get my books and stuff but i accidentally slept in. we hung out on saturday and that was so so cool. we just walked around downtown and got some coffe and hung out. it was fucking freezing and my thighs were so cold cuz i was wearing jeans and there was nowhere to stop and get warm cuz everything was closed bcz of covid regulations but it was still so fun.
anw, i'm gonna go get my books tomorow. and im watching rick and morty rn so thats pretty cool :)
all hell has broken loose at my residence. ok, not really, it's been much much much worse, but still. the tension between everyone is so fuckin disgusting. my sister is being the edgy lil 14yo we all were at that age but with added mental illness because when she does something, she does it right. and my mom is being really hard on her and i know that it comes from a place of love and concern but coming from someone who was exactly where my sister was like 4 years ago i also know that she's taking literally the worse route possible when it comes to that. my sister shuts her out because she's growing into her own person and is becoming disillusioned with authority, realizing that they have no idea what theyre doing either. and how does my mom react? acts like a total bitch about everything, becomes more stict and repressive than ever before saying shit like "ive let you have your way before, not anymore'. and to some extent, she is right. but the only reason that's the case is because she was too emotionally absent to realize anything was wrong in the first place, or even try to get to know us.
i can't exactly blame her, single mother of two, on and off with an abusive husband for 10 years, an incredibly messy divorce, etc. and as soon as all of that was done she was greeted with a nice juicy tumor. im convinced that that the only reason my edgelord phase went relatively unnoticed compared to hers is because my mom was too busy fighting full on cancer to care what the fuck was going on with me. had everything been fine i would have probably gotten so much more shit from her, but im getting way ahead of myself.
the point that im trying to make is that she has no idea how to deal with any of this, and its painfully obvious, but instead of just talking to my sister like a rational human person would, she makes of point of showcasing who runs shit around here. and i get it, shes losing control, falling out of touch with her daughter (her baby daughter at that, im a lost cause at this point) and shes acting out. the more i think about it, the sadder i feel for her. she just makes incredibly hard to do anything about it when she acts like this.
so i talked to this girl from my french class today with lizzie and it was super fun. honestly im gonna sound like a broken record here but corona literally sucks so much i just want to go out and make friends and have fun. this girl is like 17 or 18 (i dont really know) and she moved in with her boyfriend in this dope ass condo and is just living her best like i genuinely am so happy for her. anw we called her and helped her do her assignment cuz she was really behind and was kind of struggling but when we were done with that we all talked and this girl is super cool. we spent a lot of time talking about this one girl in our class who is genuinely the most annoying person i’ve encountered in i think all of quarantine and we started this hate train it was really funny. anw we ended up all having to leave but it was really fun to talk to someone other than the same 3 people over and over again.
in other news, i miss him. like so much. we talk sometimes but um. not like i want. i dont know, i think its the fact that im a toxic ass bitch who subconsciously pushes people i care about deep down away as a test but the thing is that i never expected him to stay around as long as he has and now i feel stupid because i have no idea how to act around him. i desperately want us to be as close as we once were. i want to talk to him and complain about that dumb bitch in my french class and tell him about my day and have him tell him about his and be there for him when hes sad and be able to call him out of the blue and just talk about anything. but i know thats unfair to ask of him. all because i had to go and violently ruin whatever we could have had. so i guess i just suffer in silence. of my own fault. i know he does (also my fault) and i will never stop feeling bad about it.
theres also the alex thing? idk i love talking to the man but he needs to speak to his girlfriend. urgently. she seems like such a genuinely amazing person (i wouldn’t know, i’ve never probably talked to her which is a shame but he speaks very highly of her, as he should and she sounds great) the thing is that at the rate it’s going, lil homie is gonna ruin all of it. his inability to open up to her and tell her what’s going on is very obviously straining the relationship, at least on his end, and he’ll end up losing her, which would break my heart for the both of them. theres also the fact that he feels like he’s the one who should take care of her and not the other way around but i keep telling him thats the toxic masculinity talking and his crippling fear of being less than but NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. anw i hope he figures it out soon and finds it within himself to open up to her because if not, before he knows it he’ll pull the same shit as i did with sammy and lose someone he really cares about and loves, despite maybe not seeing the extent of his loss at first.
that’s it for tonight. have french my fourth day of french intensive in a few hours and im not looking forward to it one bit seeing as i havent read half the book im supposed to have finished for today. i will be watching a single episode of soul eater and then going to bed.