i have not checked in with this website in a bit. i have been feeling incredibly shit lately. my mom and i fight all the time. we're barely on speaking terms. whatever. anyways i've been speaking with a few friends a little more often. it's kinda cool. i'm just scared of getting really tired of them suddenly out of the blue. how i usually do. i kinda feel it coming more and more so i know it's going to hit eventually i just don't know when. i'm sad all the time. for no reason. also, today (technically speaking yesterday) was father's day. what a shit show that was.
i am incredibly sad. like sooo. fucking. saad. i want to cry because i know it'll make me feel better to and then i can move on but nothing will come out so im just sitting on my porch being a bitch.
anyways, an update on what's been happening with me. him and i have been talking alot lately. we'll refer to him as mitty from now on. mitty and i get along really well. i miss him alot, the dumbass, and we've been talking more since i decided to get out of my funk. i feel another one coming on but we're just starting to get along and i really like mitty so i think i'll try to fight it. [EDIT: i couldn't fight it. it's been a year and i still couldn't fucking fight it. lol]
also, my bEST aNd cLOSESest friend said that "all brown eyed brown haired arab girls are clones of eachother" when we were on call. SHE SAID THAT. TO ME. (i put it in my shower thoughts the exact time it happened) she was talking about some girl at her work place and i know that she probably didn't even have me in mind when she said it but it genuinely made me feel so shit (OBVIOUSLY wtf) because she is clearly concious of the "arab girl" category she has in her mind but she isn't aware that she's probably put me in there. because no matter how white washed i act i still have "brown girl" friends and i talk like one and i am one!?!?1??!?66?. and don't even get me started on the superiority she feels because she's a tiny-frail-little-blue-eyed-blondie-uwu-bitch. GIVE ME A BREAK. i was so angry and hurt. like to the point that i completely shut off for the rest of that call cause i felt like i was about to breakdown crying. doubt she noticed. we got off call shortly after that but i probably will never confront her about it because i am a pussy bitch who talks big game but is deathly afraid of what those closest to her think of her. i did end up talking to her about it. i was drunk, as i usually need to be to talk about anything that matters, but i still did it. ha hA HA. anyways i called mitty immediately after to stop myself from thinking about it, and he talked my ears off about gaming or what have you which made me feel alot better so i am only processing this now. and im so numb rn that i know i won't be able to cry about it so that's fun. you'll notice that i only call mittysammy when i need him. and i hate needing people. and i hate that i used him as an emotional crutch and that i could never really be there for him when he needed me. i never told him anything that was going on and i made sure to never ever dump anything on him, but i still feel bad for it. ill have to add it to the list of things to apologize to him about.
i think i'll see mitty tomorrow i did
i hung out with my stupid friends today. genuinely the most ive had in months. and before whoever is reading this starts hating me for the lack of quarantining ill have you know that 90% of us have tested negative and the others haven't gotten out of our houses at all so... bubble! i think we're fine. especially considering we only met up so we could attend the zoom prom celebration over zoom together. (EDIT: i didn't mention it here but because i convinced myself that they all hated me, as you can see from my previous entry, i ended having a massive panic attack in front of my friend's house and chickening out so i didn't want to get in. i went on walk and killed a whole hour before getting two energy drinks, talking myself up and riding the caffeine wave into that stupid backyard.
anyways after i got over myself. and after we passed the stupid awkward thing we had at the beginning considering the not talking thing (which genuinely maade me want to die btw)we hung out, talked, had a few scredrivers and beers and it was so much fun. we played in the pool and cuddled and i love them all so much. anyways the vibes of today were immaculate after i got some booze in me i also ended up saying a few things and doing some stuff i dont know how to feel about yet (EDIT:but i do now. weird, i feel weird, i dont regret it but its weird) over all it was so great and fun.
my mom and i have been fighting all week. kinda funny considering my last entry. i went back to school a few days ago to get my shit. im officially no longer a high school student. we graduated boys! anyways, i hung out with some friends after that. god i feel like like shit about it. we went to some fast food joing and i had a hot dog and half a serving of fries. almost lost my shit when i got home. i went for a run after that.
the hanging out part was actually kinda fun though. i hadn't realized hom much i missed them. and it was only like three people. all the others couldn't make it. i feel like the others might hate me. on account of me not speaking to anyone for two and a half months. actually for the first month of quarantine i went down this massive black depression hole where i ate and slept very little, barely got out of bed, and didn't speak to anyone out of bed, and didn't speak to anyone at all. not even my family. no one cared, obviously, it's not like they would actually get mad at me about it or anything. the thing is, i feel like i could have reached out to someone and gotten help but i just isolated myself to the point of actively avoiding interaction with anything that wasn't my twitter timeline or my youtube fee and now i feel like they hate me. :) (EDIT: they told me later that they didn't hate me they were just really concerned and didn't know how to bring it up. im kind of a melodramatic bitch lol.)
do you ever get the uncontrollable urge to just hug your mom. like, every part of you just has to make sure she's okay and happy and that nothing is wrong and if something is you'll go fix it for her, whatever it is. i just had that and almost started cryikng because she's sleeping and i don't want to wake her up. anw i love my mom. that's it.
it felt good to write that out.
in other news, i still fell sick, my throat has just gotten worse, it's like reeaallly sore rn even more than yesterday. nothing new basically. i just want to go ou to the desert and screm. i guess i'll work on this stupid website instead. maybe i'll go make a favorite movies section. yeah okay.(EDIT: i might actually make a movie page on here too, we'll see how it goes.)
i can't sleep. i tried to go to bed at 0030 today. obviously didn't work.
i talked to my friend today. i miss her so much. she seems to be doing well. good for her.
in other news, i learned something new today (technically yesterday). do you want to know what it is? here it is: china is basically taking over the world by taking advantage of the fact that the rest of us are to busy watching trump bring america's downfall to notice. xi jinping is an absolute madlad. i can't say i don't respect his work. he and Wang make one hell of a fucking duo. and apparently hong kong has been reintegrated to china (??? idk really my friend told me, i have not been keeping up with that part of the world seeing as things are going to shit so close to home and i've had other priorities) also, seeing as the us is completely full with trying to handle the nationwide protest happening they can't really stand with hong kong anymore. the bill was passed. i have no words. actually no, i do have one. hopeless
my head still hurts. haven't eaten much today. i miss my friends. i don't talk to them much over the phone bcuz i hate texting but i try to facetime them. it's not like we have much to talk about though, we're all stuck inside, life on break. no break for racism though. george floyd was murdered a week ago. america is in shambles. protests during a pandemic. black outrage. apparently white supremacist and extremist groups are looting and breaking stuff while people are protesting in hopes of it getting pinned on the blm movement. i wish everyone out there right now could be safe, i wish i could be with them. (sign petitions!!) the police is disgusting as usual. people getting maced, teargassed, run over by cars and horses, pushed to the ground, beaten with batons or by hand by the cops. the police being brutal at a protest against police brutality. fuck 12, acab, defund the police, 1312, all of that, truly. and the epstein case has been brought up again. on top of one of the most hardcore recessions in modern time. cool, im gonna cry :D
all i've consumed in the past 3 days is instant coffee and current event tweets. i also had a mcchicken but it came right back up. i've cried 17 times and fainted twice. my head hurts. my back aches. my throat is sore. my eyes are burning and i can't sleep. (EDIT: this was in the aftermath of the George Floyd murder, when the nation wide american protests were starting to pick up. I live in Canada, but it was so unsettling to me and it felt like the world was genuinely rotten. Needless to say I was taking very shit care of myself and very much isolated myself from everyone and everything.)
i had an entry here but it is gone because it dawned on me that i am pathetic. and now i feel bad for deleting it cuz this is supposed to be my raw unfiltered thoughts. so think of this entry as the equivalent of a ripped out diary page.